Today we find many parents frustrated, anxious, and hopeless about the future of their children. Particularly fearing that their children are away from Allah's Deen. Such parents often blame themselves for this unfortunate reality. They feel guilty that it's all a result of their parenting. Naturally, this leads to a lot of debilitating anxiety. But the big question is, is it justified? Are we supposed to live in eternal guilt as parents, particularly if our children turn away from Islam or get involved in other unacceptable activities? Answering this question, in the light of Islam is very important for parents. Let's attempt it!
In order for us to understand this we need to first realize that humans live in broadly two domains, one which they have agency on or dominate and the other which has agency over them or dominates them. Examples of the first are our choices in life, whether we choose water to quench our thirst or an alcoholic drink, whether we marry to satisfy our instinctual or engage in illicit relations, and whether we work to earn a living or steal. The other domain, which can be subdivided further into two, firstly the laws of nature which we humans are subjugated to, and secondly the actions of others, whether intentional or unintentional. Examples of the former are our inability to walk on water or fly in the air, having no choice in our skin tone or body size, and whether we are born to Muslim or non-Muslim parents. We have absolutely no say in these matters and they are thrust upon us without our will or liking. Examples of the latter are all the actions of others that affect us (both intentional and unintentional), like being shot at and dying as a result, a car hitting us accidentally and the resulting injury, and a plane breaking down midair and crashing, killing all its passengers. This clear delineation is helpful in understanding that we are responsible for our actions, however, the outcome is in the hands of Allah. What does that mean for parenting? Oftentimes parents will be negligent of their duties but their children might end up on the straight path. Such parents will still be held accountable for their negligence. On the contrary, some parents might exert themselves to their fullest but their children might end up being influenced by Shayateen and their own nafoos. Such parents need to be assured that they did what was in their agency and the outcome is beyond their control and something that they must accept as the Qada of Allah (swt). This is a very powerful concept, one that doesn't let you take your responsibilities easy, but at the same time also helps you avoid burnout or getting frustrated if things go wrong. Nevertheless, practically we see many Muslims misapplying this concept, some sincerely being confused about it while others just trying to make an excuse for their negligence.
This misapplication originated when the Muslims were at their best, and Islamic authority was expanding across the World. Muslims then came across Greek philosophy - and their sincere efforts to show the superiority of Islam ended up in the grave mistake of fusing logic and syllogism into the basis of thinking - particularly in matters of the unseen and the attributes of Allah (swt). This mistake of the past lingers today and pushes Muslims onto the horns of dilemma - feeling they must choose between the devil or the deep sea; not realizing the inherent flaw of such binary choices. For example, a very common question these days is, "Do you trust in Allah or do you tie your camel?"
Now, the correct answer does not lie in giving any kind of preference to one over the other but rather in understanding that the two options are not a `zero-sum game' e.g. an either-or choice. It is not that the more you undertake or believe in one, the lesser you believe or undertake the other. The question is flawed in its root because it disconnects the relationship between trusting Allah and tying the camel. Instead, the question pushes the mind to search for causality - and our Iman tells us that Allah is the cause of everything and hence we should not rely on our actions as a cause. But then we are confronted with multiple pieces of evidence in the Islamic texts where we are reminded of the importance of seeking the situations and undertaking the actions for achieving results. This creates the potential confusion that they are disconnected and we have to choose - a confusion which extends to similar questions such as, "Do you think prayer is enough to cure your headache or do you rely on a paracetamol?" Or, "If rizq is fixed, why do you work for it?"
By establishing the correct connection between the two options, any confusion would be resolved. Firstly, it should be made clear that such questions are fundamentally flawed and serve no value except that they are the result of misunderstanding and misapplying the Islamic Aqeedah and Shariah. Secondly, as Muslims we 100% believe and trust in Allah (swt) while at the same time we 100% believe in the responsibility to exert ourselves - and the very life of the Prophet (saw) is the perfect example of this connection. Thirdly, and crucially, we make this connection because the same source, the Revelation (wahi), which tells us to rely on Allah (swt) also tells us to undertake actions and makes us accountable for the performance of actions. Fourthly, we differentiate between matters of belief and matters of action. Allah's will, his power, and his control of everything is a matter of belief, whereas what actions we should undertake is a matter of Shariah. These two shouldn't be confused and we shouldn't bring forth one (as an excuse) when asked about the other. As an example, if you are lazy and not trying to earn and someone asks you to work hard to earn your rizq, would it make sense to respond by saying, Rizq is fixed by Allah (swt)? This statement is 100% true, but it doesn't belong here, that's what I call misapplication. Another example would be that you are in a hurry and are on the 10th floor of a building with no elevators. You need to get down quickly and think, why don't I simply jump out of the building because Ajal (lifespan) is fixed by Allah? Shouldn't you actually be referring here to the Shariah ahkaam on preserving life?
The same should apply to parenting. You are not neglectful of your responsibilities arguing that it's all pre-ordained. Nor do you get anxious and frustrated when things don't go your way after you have done the best you could knowing well that you will be judged on your sincerity of efforts and the outcomes are beyond your control.
So a correct understanding is necessary for nullifying such misapplications and as a result we turn into productive individuals and a progressive society - that is not neglectful of the Duniya and neither detached from Iman. This combination established the greatest civilization the world has ever witnessed i.e. Islam.
What we discussed so far can be termed as the upper limit of parenting. There is one more aspect which I call the lower limit. Today, it is very common for parents, particularly mothers, to feel pity for their children. This is an unhealthy state of mind for raising children and it's a bottomless pit. You could be exhausting yourself and still feeling that you haven't done enough. The result would be unhappy parents and discontent children. You should instead be confident that you want the best for your children and of course, there's always room for improvement, but that doesn't mean you start pampering and over-protecting your children. You don't owe them a life that you can't afford. Similarly giving them unconditional love and respect shouldn't mean you fulfill all their wishes and don't ever discipline them. There will surely be moments when your children will try to make you feel that you are authoritarian or even cruel. What else do you expect from a child who wants to use a screen beyond his agreed-upon quota a child who wants to stay awake beyond sleep time or a child who wants another doze of sugary food? Does that mean you give in to their demands just because you are feeling guilty? Of course not. You will do what is right and what is the best, particularly in the longer term for the child.
Think of yourself as a rope-walker, trying to cross and balance yourself on a thin rope. You don't lean to either side or else you fall. One side is losing hope in Allah and the other side is losing hope in yourself!
If any of this is live in your own home right now, the first conversation is free.
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